Writing an argumentative essay about a barmitzva

When a young man turns 13, they have a Bar Mitzvah. As per Jewish law, they are no longer young men, and they should start satisfying the mitzvahs (charges of the Torah). This is a transitional experience from kid to grown-up, and every one of the obligations and duties that accompany it.  

Jewish right of passage truly interprets as "child of rule."  "Mitzvah" is Hebrew for "rule." The expression "Jewish right of passage" alludes to two things: it is utilized to depict a kid when he grows up at 13-years of age and furthermore alludes to the religious service that goes with a kid turning into a Bar Mitzvah.  

In Judaism the introduction of a kid is commended with a custom circumcision while the introduction of a young lady is recorded with a straightforward gift amid a synagogue administration. Young men experience a transitioning custom (Bar Mitzvah), young ladies generally have not.

the sentence that avoid faulty coordination is:

culture, which is well represented in philadelphia, plays a major role including theatre, music, and the visual arts.  

faulty coordination occurs when the writer gives equal importance two different ideas (clauses) which in fact are not equivalent. in order to correct a misplaced clause or idea, the writer can place less important or emphatic ideas in a relative clause as in the previous sentence.